


in your love, my salvation lies

by rileyhart



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst i guess??, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning, idk i just had this idea and i couldn't get it out of my head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-01-08 03:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12246450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rileyhart/pseuds/rileyhart
Summary: riley matthews' world is crumbling at her feet, and maya hart is doing the best she can to stitch it back together





	1. i stood beneath an orange sky, with my brother standing by

**Author's Note:**

> aaah okay idk really know what this is but i had the idea ages ago and juts got the inspiration to write it! anyways please comment and tell me what you think (prepare for pain)

The grey clouds hang over New York like a thick blanket on the morning of October 14th. It is 8:57 and a sudden screech of tyres slash through the sound of the hustle bustle of New York. 

* * *

At 9:22, that same morning, Cory Matthews’ phone begins to ring, luckily he isn’t teaching first period, and he is in the teachers’ lounge marking his freshmen’s test.

He picks it up and answers. “Cory Matthews,”

“Are you the husband of Topanga Lawrence-Matthews and father of August Matthews?” a woman says on the other end of the line.

Cory’s mouth feels suddenly dry. “Y-yes, why?”

Nothing in his 36 years could prepare him for what she’s saying; he feels light headed, and has strange sickly sensation of endless falling.

“Wh-what hospital?” he manages to ask; one hand gripping onto the edge of the table, his knuckles turning white.

“Greenwich,” the woman replies.

“Okay, I’ll, uh, be there s-soon,” he hangs up and shuts his eyes, breathing deeply in.

_Riley._

His eyes snap open.

* * *

He watches through the window of the classroom door for a moment — she’s in art class, sitting next to Maya; the two are drawing some brightly coloured glass bottles on the table in front of them; Riley isn’t exactly doing a wonderful job of the drawing of the bottles, but she’s talking and laughing with Maya. She is happy, and Cory’s heart breaks.

He knocks and opens the door. “Hi, could I please borrow my daughter for the rest of the lesson?” he asks the other teacher, managing to keep his voice even; his eyes fall on Maya, “and Maya?”

“Of course, girls you are dismissed.”

Riley and Maya exchange glances, but pick up their books and leave the classroom.

“What is it, Dad?” Riley asks as they all stand in the hallway; something is wrong, she knows that, her father’s face is pale and he isn’t meeting her eyes — she instinctively reaches for Maya’s hand, who grabs hers and squeezes it firmly.

_I got you,_ she’s saying.

“Riley,” Cory says, trying and failing to keep his voice steady.

“Dad? What’s wrong?” Riley’s own voice is trembling now; she takes a step towards her father.

“Your mom and Auggie,”

Riley feels her heart miss a beat; her hand tightening its grip on Maya’s.

“They were in—” his voice breaks, and that endless falling feeling intensifies “— an accident,”

“But they’re going to be okay?” Maya says quickly, looking from Riley to Cory desperately, the two people who have always comforted her, no matter what. 

Riley feels suddenly hollow, her throat dry. “Are they alive?” she croaks out.

“Yes,” Cory breathes.

Maya lets out a sigh of relief, and gives Riley’s hand an extra squeeze. Riley makes the smallest of nods, her eyes slightly unfocused. “Riles?” Maya whispers.

“We should go,” Cory says, his voice suddenly firm, cold even, the emotion gone — he has only one thought now: _Get to the hospital._

The two girls nod, and follow Cory out of the school, Maya gently leading Riley by the hand.

* * *

They take the subway (seeing as Topanga had taken their car). They don’t speak, just sit in silence, their hearts heavy and their stomachs churning.

Cory takes ahold of his daughter’s hand, and squeezes it.

_It’s going to be okay._

Riley looks up and smiles at him weakly; she rests her head on his shoulder and shuts her eyes, concentrating on the fact that she can not only feel her own heartbeat but that of Maya’s and her father’s through the pulse in their hands.

Each beat whispers to her—

_Alive, alive, alive._

_Alive, alive, alive._

_But for how long?_ she wonders. _For how long?_

* * *

In a sudden panic, as if the shock of the news has worn off (which it won’t for many weeks), they rush madly from the subway station to the hospital.

“We’re here for Topanga and August Matthews,” Cory says to the man at the desk in Emergency, struggling to catch his breath.

Riley’s jaw tenses, and Maya watches her — both are terrified.

“They’re in surgery—”

“Are they okay?” Riley blurts out suddenly, her voice wavering; Maya squeezes her hand again.

“They were both brought in with some serious internal bleeding, as well as a spinal cord injury, some cracked ribs, and minor injuries,”

“What does that mean?” Riley asks, on the verge of tears.

“Riley,” her father says, concerned.

“It means they’re both in critical condition, but our surgeons are doing everything in their power to save them.”

Riley inhales sharply and nods.

“How long will they be in there?” Cory asks. 

“I can’t say,” he says apologetically, “but if you wait in the waiting room, the surgeon will hopefully be out soon.”

Cory gulps and nods. “Thank you.”

Together, they slump into three chairs in the waiting room. Cory bows his head, his hands up to his face; Riley rests her head on Maya’s shoulder, who strokes her hair gently; their fingers still entwined.

And the waiting begins.

* * *

Riley sits there, aware of her heart beating in her chest, of each breath and each blink, yet it’s as if her body and mind exist as a complete different entities; she’s never felt so hollow and devoid of emotion in her life, but whenever a doctor steps into the waiting room her heart goes into overdrive and all the emotions rush to her at once — pain, anxiety, anger, despair. The doctor will call a different name, and a different group of people will go up and Riley will shut her eyes and go back to just existing.

* * *

Maya’s eyes dart back from Riley and Cory, no one speaks, no one moves.

“Mr Matthews?” Maya asks quietly after half an hour, though it feels like a century.

Cory looks up at her, his eyes painted with pain.

“Do you want me to call Shawn?”

His shoulders sag, and a ghost of a smile flickers across his face. “Yeah,” he breathes out, as though scared that should he say anymore it’ll all come pouring out.

Maya disentangles herself from Riley carefully, who looks at her wildly — with wide fawn like eyes — at the feel of movement. 

“I’m just calling Shawn,” Maya says gently, standing up.

Riley nods, and sinks back into the chair; her eyes glassing back over.

Her apathy physically pains Maya, never before as she seen her so… lifeless.

The moment Maya leaves the waiting room she lets it all crash down onto her. She shuts her eyes and slides down the wall, her sobs echoing throughout the hallway.

_This isn’t fair._

_This shouldn’t be happening._

_They have to be okay._

_They have to be._

With trembling fingers she unlocks her phone and calls Shawn.

“What’s up, Maya?” he answers.

She lets out another sob.

“Maya? What’s wrong?” Shawn says immediately. 

She shuts her eyes, and takes a deep breath in. “I’m at the hospital,” her voice manages to barely wobble.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong? Is it you? Is it Riley? Is it—”

“Topanga,” Maya cuts him off, her voice quiet, “and,” her voice breaks, “Auggie.”

She hears Shawn inhale. “Are they…”

“They’re alive, but—” her voice cracks and tears run down her cheeks “—I don’t know, I don’t know,”

“Greenwich Hospital?” he asks, his voice strained.

Maya nods, then remembers he can’t see her. “Yes.”

“I’m leaving now,”

“Dad,” Maya says before he can hang up.

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Drive safe,” she sobs, and Shawn feels his heart break.

“I will, I love you,” he tells her.

“Love you too,” she whispers breathlessly.

Shawn hesitates for a moment. “Go be with Riley, she needs you,” he says.

“Okay,” Maya says, and she hangs up the phone with gulp.

Wiping her eyes, she stands up and walks back into the waiting room.

* * *

Shawn arrives barely twenty minutes later, the two girls sit up, and Cory rushes to him, and the two embrace tightly.

Maya and Riley watch them; a tear falls down Riley’s cheek when she hears her father sob.

“It’s gonna be okay, Cor,” Shawn says, just like he’d said all those years ago when it had been little baby Josh in the hospital.

Cory gulps and looks at his best friend. “I hope you’re right.”

Shawn looks over at the girls, who take that as their cue to come over. He hugs them both at once, “I called your mom, Maya, she’ll be here soon.” Maya thanks him as they let go.

“It’s gonna be okay, girls,” he tells them.

They look up at him — _but what if it isn’t?_

“What’s that thing you always tell us to believe in, Riley?” 

“Hope,” she replies quietly.

“Exactly, and hope we will.”

“Hope we will,” the girls murmur back. 

* * *

Within just 5 minutes of Katy’s arrival, a doctor walks into the waiting room.

“August Matthews,” she calls out.

Riley gulps and exchanges a look with Maya.

_This is it, the moment of truth._

Maya squeezes Riley’s hand; Riley reaches out with her other hand and grabs her father’s.

Together, they all hurry quickly, yet apprehensively to the doctor.

“We’ve done all we can for now—” she starts.

“For now? He’s okay?” Cory asks in a rush.

“He’s alive, but his condition is slightly unstable,”

‘What does that mean?” Cory asks.

“It means he could go either way,” she tells them.

Riley inhales sharply, but her heart beats with happiness.

_He is alive, that’s all that matters._

“He might be comatose for a while — a couple of days at the most. His spine was severely injured, so there’s a chance he won’t walk again if he wakes up.”

Cory nods slowly, and Riley folds into Maya, sobbing into her shoulder. 

“Um.. can we… can we go see him?” Cory asks.

The doctor nods. “He’s being taken up to the ICU as we speak.”

“What about my wife? Topanga Lawrence-Matthews?”

“As far as I know she’s still in surgery,”

“Do you know when she’ll be out?”

“No, I’m sorry, Mr Matthews,”

Cory shakes his head. “No, um, it’s okay, thank you for.. for everything you’ve done,”

She smiles sadly, and walks away.

Cory turns to Shawn and Katy. “Could you stay down here, and if anything… if there’s any news,”

“We’ll call you right away,” Shawn finishes for him, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder, and Katy nods, a sympathetic look on her face.

“Thanks,” Cory murmurs, the words barely a noise. He turns to Riley. “Do you want to come up with me to see Auggie,”

Riley, her eyes bloodshot and her cheeks glistening, nods. “Maya, come,” are the only words she manages to get out.

* * *

The ICU is one of the strangest places Riley Matthews has been. There are people — doctors and nurses and patients, and the friends and family of the patients, half of whom are emotionless and the other half of whom seem to be overflowing with emotions. It is both empty and full.

Riley doesn’t register much, just the faint voice of the woman at the desk telling them Auggie is in Room Fourteen, and the feel of the pulses of her father and Maya as they hold hands.

_Alive, alive, alive._

A nurse is fixing up the IV when they enter Auggie’s room; a heart rate monitor is beating steadily, a good sign, Riley thinks.

The nurse looks up and smiles. “You must be August’s family,”

“Auggie,” Riley corrects her automatically.

“Pardon?”

“Auggie, um, we call him Auggie,” she says quietly, shrinking back into Maya.

“Well, Auggie is a strong little boy,” the nurse says good-naturedly. “I’ll leave you to it, press the call button if you need anything.” She leaves the room and the three of them approach Auggie’s bed timidly. 

He looks small and fragile, Riley thinks, barely human connected to all those wires. His head is wrapped in bandage, a tube is in his mouth to help him breathe, and there’s a cut sewn up with stitches on his cheek. A sob echoes in Riley’s throat, and Maya pulls her into a hug.

“Hey, Aug,” Cory says gently, sitting in the chair next to the bed; he reaches out and takes Auggie’s hand. “I’m so, so proud of you, bubba. You’re so,” his voice cracks, “so brave,”

Riley uncurls herself from Maya’s trembling embrace, and looks at her father, before looking over at her brother, her brother who had been so full of life just a few hours ago. “I love you, Auggie,” she says after a minute or two of only the sound of his heart rate monitor. “I love you so much.”

Cory reaches out and pulls his daughter into a hug and, sobbing, Riley clambers onto his lap, clutching her father desperately. 

“You better get better, Auggie,” Maya says, holding back her tears, “or I swear to God,”

Cory and Riley both laugh half heartedly, and Maya smiles at them, her eyes swimming with tears. She wipes them stubbornly, but Riley is already up and hugging her.

“Thank you, Peaches,” she murmurs into her.

“You don’t need to thank me,” Maya replies shaking her head, and they break apart. “I love him,” she says, her voice cracking, “and I love your mom, and I love you,”

“I love you too,” Riley whispers, and Maya smiles weakly, wiping her eyes again.

Riley pulls another chair up, and the two squeeze into it.

“We love you, Auggie,” she says loudly, “please get better.”

His heart rate monitor continues to beep reassuringly, and downstairs, one flatlines.

* * *

“Topanga Lawrence-Matthews,” a doctor calls out to the waiting room; Shawn and Katy glance at each other, and take hold of each other’s hand, breathing in deeply.

They get up and walk over to the doctor, a sinking feeling in Shawn’s stomach.

“Mr. Matthews?” the doctor asks, and Shawn shakes his head.

“No, I’m a friend, her husband is upstairs with their son,” Shawn explains. “Is Topanga okay?”

“We tried everything,” the doctor says, and Shawn can see his lips moving after that but he can’t hear anything else, and his vision becomes blurry; he knows what that means. Topanga. Topanga, his sister in every way that counted. Topanga, who he’d known since he was four. Topanga. Dead.

Cory. His best friend. The love of Topanga’s life. Upstairs.

He becomes vaguely aware of his surroundings, of Katy sobbing with her hand over her mouth, of the doctor explaining what exactly had happened, of other people averting their eyes, praying that won’t be them in the near future.

“Now, I can tell Mr. Matthews if you’d like,” the doctor says, but Shawn shakes his head.

“It has to be me,” he gulps, tears blurring his vision. “I should tell him.” 

Katy squeezes his hand and rests her head on his shoulder, tears sliding down her cheeks.

* * *

The walk up to the ICU is the hardest thing Shawn Hunter has ever had to do. With each step, each heartbeat he can feel himself getting closer and closer to shattering what is left of his best friend’s world.

He pushes open the door to Auggie’s room, and Cory, Riley, and Maya all turn at the sound of it.

For a moment none of them speak, and maybe in that instant they know, maybe they can tell from Shawn’s broken face.

Auggie’s heart monitor beeps.

“How’s Topanga?” Maya finally asks, her voice trembling.

Shawn breathes in deeply, and bites the inside of his cheek to stop from crying. “Um, they… they couldn’t… she… she didn’t make it,” he croaks, and he starts to cry, “she didn’t make it, Cor,”

Auggie’s heart monitor beeps and none of them seem to breathe.

Shawn’s not sure which is worse — Riley’s face or Cory’s face. 

“Um can we… can we see her?” Maya asks, her voice breaking and her face screwed up as if in confusion to stop the tears

Katy nods. “The doctor said we could come down in the next fifteen minutes to say goodbye, after that they’re…” she pauses and gulps, “they’re turning off the life support,”

“Do you wanna come, Cor?” Shawn asks.

Cory looks at him emptily. “I need to stay with Auggie,” he says, almost robotically.

“I can stay,” Shawn says, but Cory shakes his head.

“No. I need to stay. Topanga would want me to.” Cory says firmly, turning away from the others and back to his son before he can see Shawn nod.

“Riley, are you coming?” Maya asks softly, giving her hand a slight tug.

Riley nods slowly.

The walk down to Emergency is the hardest thing any of them have had to do.

* * *

Riley breaks when she sees her mother’s body. Her sobs echo throughout the room, piercing Maya’s heart. Riley’s knees give out, and she stumbles, Maya catching her before she falls. Riley’s sobs are more like screams, and the raw sounds rips through them all. Shawn and Katy hug the girls, as Maya sobs and Riley screams. Next to them, Topanga lies lifeless.


	2. i said brother you know, you know it's such a long road we've been walking on

Cory sits watching Auggie, without moving, without thinking. He wouldn’t be breathing if respiration required conscious thought. He is a shell, as empty as his wife downstairs.

It’s only when they come back upstairs, when Riley enters Auggie’s room alone, and Cory sees her tear stained face, and she rushes at him, burying her face in his chest, soaking his shirt, does he finally feel. And then he feels it all. And he hugs his daughter, Topanga’s daughter, desperately, and sobs.

* * *

They spend the rest of the day, and that night, in the hospital, cramped in the chairs by Auggie’s bed. Shawn, Katy, and Maya stay too, making sure Cory and Riley eat, and walk around every now and then. Shawn calls family, explaining what happened. The words ‘ _There was an accident, Auggie’s alive, but Topanga… Topanga died_ ,’ never become easier to say, but they become a strange, hollow mantra, and each time he says them, he feels a little more dead.

Cory’s parents. Topanga’s parents. Eric. Feeny. Morgan. Josh. Jack. John.

He mentally ticks each one off as he calls them, pacing the hallway of the ICU.

Each phone call invites more people, and they come and go throughout the day, bringing flowers and condolences and gifts for Auggie. It’s a blur of people and hugs and sobs.

* * *

Maya runs her fingers through Riley’s hair, as they sit, a tangle of limbs, in the chair next to Auggie’s bed; she’s not sure what time it is, whether it’s day or night, hospitals are strange like that.

“He’ll be okay, Riles,” she murmurs into Riley’s ear.

Riley doesn’t look at her, her eyes fixed on Auggie. “You don’t know that.”

It’s the most depressing, hopeless thing Maya has ever heard Riley say.

* * *

Riley must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because she wakes up, still tangled with Maya in the chair, with a crick in her neck. She rubs it sleepily and groans. She slumps back in the chair, Maya’s breath now on her neck, as the pain of yesterday rush back to her. She wishes she could be asleep again.

She looks over at her father, who is quietly reading ‘ _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ ’ to Auggie.

“Dad,” Riley calls out quietly, and her father pauses, looking over at her, “could you read a bit louder please?” she asks him, and he smiles.

“Of course, honey,”

The briefest of smiles cross Riley’s face, as she shuts her eyes and snuggles into Maya, listening to her father read.

* * *

Shawn uses the next day to start organising the funeral, with the occasional help of various family. There’s a coffin to get, and a venue to source, a plot in a cemetery to find, and people to invite. He doesn’t leave the hospital though, getting other people to go out and visit the funeral parlours or coffins or cemeteries he’d found online.

“Shawn, honey,” Katy whispers, standing next to his chair, running her fingers through his hair. “You should sleep.”

Shawn shakes his head stubbornly. “I gotta do this, Kate, I can’t sleep, not when…” he doesn’t finish his sentence.

He doesn’t need to.

* * *

Maya calls Farkle during that day. She sits out in the hallway and murmurs the painful past hours to him. _Auggie comatose. Topanga… Topanga…_

She can’t say it, but he can tell from her crumbling voice.

“How’s Riley?” he asks.

Maya shakes her head, crying. “I… I don’t know. Not good.”

“I’ll tell the others,” Farkle says quietly, “would it be okay if we came by,”

“Yeah, I think Riley would like that.”

* * *

Farkle, Lucas, Zay, and Smackle all file into the hospital a couple of hours later. Riley’s face brightens ever so slightly at the sight of them, and she embraces them all.

“We’re really sorry, Riley,” Farkle says sincerely, and the others nod.

Tears fill Riley’s eyes again, and she nods. “Thank you for coming,”

“Of course,” Farkle says, reaching out and taking her hand, “of course.”

And Maya sees it in all four of them, the same thing she feels inside — the desire to fix it all, and the hopelessness at not being able to.

* * *

It’s also Maya who calls Ava. She finds her mother’s number on Riley’s phone and calls it.

“Hi, Mrs Morgenstar?” Maya says hesitantly, standing in the corner of Auggie’s room, her eyes on a sleeping Riley and Cory. 

“It’s Ms Holland now,” Ava’s mother corrects her, “I’ve gone back to my maiden name,”

Maya really couldn’t care less. “Right, sorry, well I’m Maya, I’m a friend of the Matthews,”

“Yes, I think we’ve met before, and Ava’s spoken about you,”

“Um, I was just calling because…” her mouth is dry and she tries to speak but no words come out.

“Hello?”

“Auggie,” Maya manages to say. “There was an accident, and Auggie… Auggie’s in a coma. I thought you and Ava would like to know.” she can’t bring herself to tell her about Topanga.

Ms Holland is silent, stunned. “Yes, thank you,” she finally says. “what hospital?”

“Greenwich,” 

“We’ll be there soon,” Ms Holland says, and then the line goes silent.

Maya lets her hand drop from her ear, and she stares at Riley, Cory, and Auggie, and she wishes to God she could fix it all, to help them like they’ve helped her over the years.

* * *

Ava doesn’t make a grand entrance, she doesn’t yell or shout, she doesn’t slam doors or do jazz hands. She enters meekly, clutching her mother’s hand. She peers up at Auggie, and carefully places a handmade card on his bed. 

“I love you, Auggie Doggie Matthews,” she says quietly, “please get better,” she stands on the tips of her toes and kisses him on the cheek.

* * *

Riley must’ve fallen asleep again at some point, because next thing she knows doctors and nurses are rushing around the room, yelling at each other. Maya pulls her out of the chair, and they stand against the wall with Cory and the others.

“What’s going on?” Riley asks, terrified.

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Maya shakes her head, tears falling down her cheeks.

“Dad, what’s happening?” Riley asks desperately, but her father doesn’t reply, he can’t form any words, he just stares helplessly at his son.

Auggie’s heart rate monitor flatlines, and Maya lets out a sob, folding into her mother. Riley watches as the doctors place a defibrillator on her eight year old brother, and his body jolts with each shock, but the heart rate monitor refuses to beep.

“Come on,” one of the doctors says angrily, “come on, kid,”

Another doctor places a hand on his shoulder and shakes her head gently, and he sighs, wiping his forehead. 

“Time of death: 21:47,” he says.

Riley lets out the same raw scream as before.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says turning to them, “I’m so sorry,”

Riley extracts herself from the grip of whoever is hugging her and runs. 

She runs out of Auggie’s room and down the ICU hallway. She doesn’t bother the elevator and instead plunges up the fire escape stairs. She runs until her lungs hurt, until she finally bursts out onto the roof. 

It’s the first time she’s been outside in over two days, and the cold air stings her skin; it’s a painful reminder that she’s alive.

She collapses into a pile of sobs, gasping in the harsh air; Maya appears behind her, pulling her into hug, clutching at her.

Riley grasps Maya desperately and sobs until she can longer breathe. Maya holds her, tears falling down her own face, stroking Riley’s hair.

“I’ve got you,” she whispers with each of Riley’s sobs. “I’ve got, I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”


	3. here is what i know now, in your love, my salvation lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter three!! this one might be my favourite one yet... ;))  
> get ready for some more angst, but kinda warm, comforting angst is that makes sense?? not like rip your heart out angst that the other two chapters were, this one is a soft kinda sad.  
> i'm about halfway through writing chapter four, so hopefully that'll be up by the end of the week.  
> anyways, enjoy and please leave a comment :)

Riley doesn’t remember the rest of the week. She remembers moments, snippets. She doesn’t remember leaving the hospital but she remembers arriving at Maya’s. She remembers crawling into Maya’s bed with her. She remembers burying herself in Maya, in her scent, in her warmth, and falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

She doesn’t remember eating, but she remembers sitting in Maya’s bed for long stretches at a time. Just staring, not moving, not feeling. Just staring.

She remembers showering. She remembers turning the water up so hot that it scalds her skin and fogs up the mirror, so that when she gets out her skin is pink.

She remembers her friends and family coming over. She doesn’t remember what they do or what they say, she just remembers they’re there, a source of warmth and comfort.

She remembers Maya. She remembers Maya brushing her hair and lending her pyjamas. She remembers Maya holding her at night, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words into her ears. She remembers Maya caring for her, loving her.

She remembers her father. She remembers him walking around Shawn and Katy’s apartment aimlessly. She remembers sitting with him in silence, their mutual grief some sort of ugly comfort. She remembers hugging him and him hugging her. She remembers him broken and defeated, just like her.

* * *

The funeral is just five days after Auggie’s death, and still Cory and Riley haven’t been home. They borrow clothes from Shawn and Maya. A suit and a black dress respectively.

Riley fiddles with the piece of paper that contains something she’d written for the funeral on the drive over. Maya’s hand rests comfortingly on her thigh, and Riley rests her head on her father’s side. There are so many other places she would rather be right now, and she wonders how, just a week ago, she never would have fathomed this. Never would have fathomed that she would be sitting in between Maya and her father in the back of car on the way to her mother’s and brother’s funeral. 

* * *

The funeral is strange, somehow emotionless and overflowing with emotions, just like the ICU. Riley walks up the aisle of the church, hand in hand with her father and Maya. They sit in the front row, along with the rest of their close family. Riley’s friends and Ava and her mother sit in the row behind them. 

Riley stares at the two coffins, one big and one small, only feet away from her. Both seem too small to contain the magnitude of Topanga and Auggie.

Riley listens as people stand up the front and talk. She listens to Mr. Feeny as he tells them that Topanga was the brightest student he’d ever had, and how he thought she’d be the one speaking at his funeral. She listens as Shawn tells them about the time Topanga tried to have his pig taken away, only to realise how much Shawn loved the pig, so she tricked Animal Control into giving him back, and about Auggie being born and holding him for the first time. She watches Ava stand up the front, her whole body trembling as she quietly tells everybody how Auggie was her best friend and Topanga was like her other mother.

“Riles,” Maya nudges her, “It’s your turn,”

Riley walks slowly up to the stand, pulling Maya along with her. She feels faint and her bones feel hollow. She unfolds the piece of paper, but her vision is to blurry to read it. She turns to Maya, pleading with her eyes; Maya gives the smallest of nods, and squeezes Riley’s hand reassuringly. 

“T—Topanga and Auggie were two of the greatest people I will ever know,” Maya says, her voice echoing throughout the still church. “I’m not related to them, but they were my family, and I will always love them,” her voice breaks and she’s crying now. “They were the definition of good people. And they didn’t deserve this.”

Crying, Riley and Maya hug each other, before walking back down to the pews. Katy stands up and hugs Maya, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I’m so proud of you baby girl,” she whispers.

Maya hugs her tightly. “I love you, Mom,”

* * *

Riley stands in the middle of the church. It’s empty now, the funeral.

She looks around at the architecture, admiring in the stain glass windows.

“Riles?”

Riley looks up to see Maya standing in the doorway of the church. “We need to go now,” she says, approaching her, “they’re getting into the hearse.”

Riley nods, and Maya wraps her arms around Riley, resting her head on Riley’s chest. Riley hugs her back, resting her head on Maya’s. They stand there for a moment, listening and feeling their hearts beat together.

“It’s beautiful,” Riley says softly, and Maya looks up at her questioningly. “The church, don’t you think?”

Maya’s breath catches in her throat, and, slowly, she pushes herself up on the tips of her toes and kisses Riley.It’s tender and cautious, and after a moment, Riley pulls away.

Maya looks at her, there’s a pained look in her face. 

“I’m… I’m s—sorry,” Maya stammers, her cheeks turning pink.

Riley shakes her head, and gulps. “No,” she says, looking at Maya, “it’s okay,” and Maya’s heart flutters ever so slightly, “I just— not now, is that okay?”

Maya nods. “Of course, honey,” she says, and the ghost of a smile flickers across Riley’s face.

“We should go,” Riley says, slipping her hand into Maya’s. “They’re waiting for us.”

* * *

The burial is beautiful and sad. Riley watches, mostly silently, as others cry, as her father embraces his college friends, as her family places a handful of dirt atop the lowered coffins. She watches as people accept the fate of Topanga Lawrence-Matthews and August Matthews — to be dead; to decay in the earth and eventually become it. She watches with a stiffened jaw as she decides death is nothing but a huge cosmic joke, what kind of God lets an eight year old who once got up at four in the morning to go and pick plastic up off the beach die. She watches and she doesn’t let go of Maya’s hand once, not even when it’s their turn to throw some dirt in.

When she finally does let go of Maya’s hand, it’s as others are leaving, and she can see her father beginning to trip over the crumbling remains of his world as he as to thank people for coming to his _wife and son’s funeral_. Her hand slips out of Maya’s (feeling suddenly cold), and she rushes at him, hugging him as tight as she can.

“I love you, Dad,” she whispers, her tears smudging into his shirt.

He gives her a small squeeze. “I love you too, Riley,” and there’s the faintest of cracks in his voice.

She hugs him tighter.

* * *

They go back to the Hunters’ apartment that night — it’s an unspoken agreement between the five of them. 

Riley turns the shower up as hot as she can without literally melting her skin off and steps in, gasping at the heat. She shuts her eyes and tries to focus on both the pain and comfort of the warm water. She tries not to think about their own empty apartment, Auggie’s bed still unmade, and Topanga’s dishes still in the sink; Auggie’s half built lego and Topanga’s unfinished copy of ‘The Goldfinch’ sitting on her nightstand, her spot marked with the folded corner of the page; Auggie’s spelling homework sitting on his desk, only half the words filled in, and Topanga’s bottle of perfume in the bathroom, which she’d just bought the day before.

Riley turns the shower up hotter.

* * *

Her skin pink and almost glowing from the heat, Riley slips out of the steamy bathroom in a pair of Maya’s pyjamas and her hair up in a towel. She passes Shawn and Katy’s room, which Cory is staying in; he’s sitting on the bed, staring into space.

“Dad?” Riley calls softly, and Cory looks over at her.

“Hey,” he murmurs, “good shower?”

“Yeah, hot,” Riley replies, walking over and sitting next to him on the bed.

The two look at each other for a moment, the empathy of mutual grief hangs in the air around them.

“Dad,” Riley says eventually, “I don’t want to go home.”

“Yeah, I get that,”

“I just keep thinking of all their… _things_ , exactly where they left them, like nothing has changed.”

“We don’t have to go home,”

“Ever?” she asks, half hopeful and half fearful.

The smallest of smiles and briefest of chuckles. “One day, kid, but for now we can stay here, until… until we’re ready,”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” and it’s a confession of fear.

Cory puts an arm around his daughter. “Neither kid, but sometimes the only way to be ready, is to just pretend you are,”

Riley smiles, and puts her arms around him. “I love you, Dad,”

“Love you too, kid,”

“Goodnight,” she says, standing up.

“Goodnight,” he calls as she leaves, his voice floating like a ghost in the air.

* * *

The light’s off and Riley’s already in bed when Maya climbs in.

Riley rolls over to face her. “Good shower?”

“Nah, someone used up all the hot water,” Maya teases, but Riley gulps.

“Oh, sorry,” she says guiltily, wishing she could just roll back over and go to sleep.

Maya nudges her, grinning. “Riles, I’m joking,”

“I know, I know, I just—“ she sighs, “you’ve done so much for me, you don’t need to do all of this.”

“Hey,” Maya says firmly, taking Riley’s face in her hands, and bringing it closer to her, “I would do anything for you, just like you have and would do for me, and sacrificing some hot water, pyjamas, and a little space in my bed is nothing you haven’t already done for me.”

Riley wills herself not to cry, so, with tears blurring her vision, she closes the brief distance between her and Maya, and kisses her.

The kiss is warm and soothing; Maya’s lips are soft, and Riley can’t help but imagine peaches. Maya responds almost hesitantly, as if unsure if she is dreaming or not, but when Riley kisses her slightly more insistently, a bubble of laughter escapes her — and Riley can feel her smile against her lips — before she kisses her back softly.

Rain buckets down outside as they kiss well into the night, enjoying the new sensation of each other’s lips and tongues, of their noses bumping into each other, and their hands switching from caressing each other’s cheeks to be tangled up in the others hair.

At some point they stop, and they fall asleep facing each other, their legs tangled, and their chests rising and falling together.

Outside the rain continues to pour down.


	4. you know i am so weary, and you know my heart's been broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall!!! sorry this took for friggen ever! but i had exams and then stranger things came out and i was writing heaps of fanfiction for that and then i went away and then i was working and now i'm away again but i've managed to finish this chapter! anyways yeah sorry for the wait. this chapter is the penultimate one so the fifth one will be the last one (originally this was gonna be), and hopefully the fifth won't take as long as this one.

Their limbs are still loosely tangled, and the rain outside is falling softly when Maya wakes the next morning. She doesn’t open her eyes at first, enjoying the sound of the rain and Riley’s breath, and the warmth of their entwined legs, which are heavy with sleep, making it almost indiscernible to tell whose legs are whose. She opens her eyes and snuggles closer to Riley, soaking up her radiating heat. She can hear Riley’s heart beating, and can see faint tear tracks on her cheeks, though Maya doesn’t remember her crying last night. She shuts her eyes again, and wills life to stay as this moment forever. Just the rain, the warmth, and Riley. It’s all she needs.

Less than five minutes after making this insane and impossible request of God, Maya dashes out of bed to the bathroom. When she returns, Riley is awake, scrolling through Instagram on her phone. Maya stands by the bed for a moment. “Morning,” she says, twisting her hands nervously.

Riley looks over at her, the smallest of smiles gracing her face. “Morning, Peaches,”

Maya exhales, not even realising she’d been holding her breath, and smiles breaks out across her face. “Do you want to watch something?” she asks as she climbs back into bed, reaching for her laptop on her bedside table.

Riley smiles and nods, and they spend the rest of the drizzly, cosy morning watching Full House on Netflix, and neither bring up last night.

* * *

 In fact they don’t talk about what happened last night all day. It’s another quiet, drifting, timeless day spent in pyjamas, eating mac and cheese and watching comfort TV, but they don’t talk about it. The silence isn’t awkward or hesitant though, it’s soft and comforting, and both Maya and Riley lean into it, holding hands and stroking hair; there is hardly a moment when they’re not touching.

It’s when they climb back into bed that night, and their eyes are sparkling, locked on one another that they let the thought of last night be at the forefront of their minds, and neither’s sure who moves closer first, but suddenly they’re kissing again. Lips and tongues,hands in hair. And neither of them have the words in their vocabulary to quite describe the wonderful sensation that is kissing their best friend in the warmth of blankets and the darkness of the night. But it’s wonderful and it’s beautiful, and for the first time since Cory took them out of art class, neither feels sad.

* * *

 It becomes routine, the night kisses, over that week. It’s an unspoken agreement that the kissing is reserved for night and not to be mentioned during the day. 

Daytime just feels like an expansive amount of hours which they have to fill, and Riley needs to do something, anything, not to feel trapped in her own grief.

But nighttime, nighttime is warm and gentle; Maya’s lips and tongue and hands. It’s falling asleep, exhausted from the grief of the day, and peaceful from the kisses.

* * *

It’s been a week, a week of daytime grief and nighttime kisses, when Cory sits next to Riley on the couch and suggests it’s time to go home.

Riley looks up at him with shocked, tear-filled eyes. “I don’t want to,” she murmurs, her voice cracking, “not yet.”

“I know, I know,” he whispers, putting an arm around her, and kissing the top of her head, “but we just have to bite the bullet, kid, we have to go home.”

Riley nods, crying into her father; Cory hugs her tightly, holding back his own tears.

They leave later that afternoon, and it’s full of tearful goodbyes and thank-yous  and you’re-welcomes and hugging each person at least twice.

“Thank you guys, really… for everything,” Cory says after the second or third round of hugs, a hand on Riley’s shoulder, who nods in agreement.

“Of course, Cor, you know that,” Shawn replies, and a small smile of a lifetime of friendship passes between the two men.

“I’ll see you soon, okay,” Maya says, reaching a hand out, and Riley steps forward to take it.

Riley nods, a lump rising in her throat. “Yeah, see you,”

“Let’s go, Riley,” her father says from behind her, and with full knowledge that the three adults are watching Riley places a soft, fleeting goodbye kiss on Maya’s lips.

“Coming, Dad,” Riley says too loudly, walking quickly out of the apartment.

* * *

They don’t talk at all on the way home on the subway, and Riley’s cheeks don’t stop burning.

They stand outside the apartment without entering for almost two minutes when they arrive.

“Will, I guess… I guess we should go in,” Cory says with a gulp, and Riley looks wide-eyed up at her father.

Cory turns the key in the door and it swings open, and they stare at the looming apartment before them.

They enter as if strangers, as if this hasn’t been their home for over ten years, because it _doesn’t_ feel like that, it doesn’t feel like _home_. It feels empty and alien, and Riley wishes she was back at Maya’s.

Riley sits awkwardly down on the couch and swings her legs. “What… what do we do now?” she asks her father. “What did we used to do?”

Cory sits down next to her. “I don’t know,” he murmurs.

“I feel like we just… keep existing, without doing anything, I can’t remember how to do _things_ ,” Riley says to him; Cory puts an arm around her, and pulls her close, kissing her head, and rubbing her arm gently. Riley gulps and holds back her tears.

Cory’s eyes wander over to the dishes sitting in the sink, _Topanga’s dishes_. “I’m gonna— I’m gonna do the dishes, you wanna help me?”

Riley looks over at the dishes and back at her father, nodding firmly. “Yeah,” she says, wiping her eyes.

They wash, dry, and put away the dishes in a comfortable purposeful silence, both avoiding the thought that the last people to touch these dishes were Topanga and Auggie. It’s methodical and rhythmic, and Riley’s mind remains purposefully blank.

“What, what do you want for dinner?” Cory asks once they’ve finished.

Riley shrugs. The silence of the apartment is so incredibly loud, she can’t bring herself to speak. It’s oppressive.

“I can order pizza?” he suggests.

She nods, and looks over at Cory. “Yeah. Yeah, that’d be good.” she tries to smile, but it falters and she looks away, gulping.

There’s a pause, and Riley hates how grief has morphed the world, how hollow and unfamiliar everything feels and sounds, even her own home, her own father.

“Hawaiian?” Cory eventually breaks the unknowable silence.

Riley nods, and attempts another smile. “Yes. Yes, please.”

Cory orders a Hawaiian for Riley and a cheese for him. They eat watching Tangled, but the sound of the film does little to fill the silent apartment, nor does the sound of their breathing, eating, living.

It’s as if their ability to do more than mechanically live died with Topanga and Auggie.

* * *

They wash up their plates together again. “It’ll get easier,” Cory says as they do.

Riley nods, but isn’t really sure what to say. It doesn’t feel that way, it really doesn’t.

He changes subject after her silent response. “Are you and Maya…” he trails off and Riley’s cheeks glow pink.

“I… I don’t know,” is all Riley says, as she determinedly dries a plate.

Cory nods thoughtfully, and smiles slightly. “Your mother and I always wondered if it’d ever happen.” he says, almost nostalgically. 

Riley stops drying the plate and looks at her father, who laughs at her shocked expression.

“Don’t look so shocked,” he laughs, “you two always reminded us of us just as much as you did me and Shawn.”

Riley can’t help but smile, as she puts away the plate and takes the other from her father. “I think… I think we are, maybe.” she says, and it's the first time she's admitted this to herself.

Cory smiles and pulls her into a hug. “I’m happy for you.” he murmurs into her hair, and Riley presses her face into him, her tears dampening his shirt. “Go to bed,” he tells her, “I’ll finish up here.”

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, Riley.”

* * *

 She has a cold shower, and crawls into her bed, which feels suddenly so large. She pulls her laptop up and watches some episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine to distract her and help her sleep, but she can’t concentrate. She shuts the laptop, and reaches for her phone, hovering over Maya’s contact details, and almost as if simply the thought of Maya had summoned her, there is a knock at Riley’s window.

Riley sits up, and smiles the widest she has in weeks at the sight of a crouching Maya perched outside her window. She scrambles out of her bed to unlock and open the window.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Maya confesses as she climbs through the window.

“Neither,” Riley replies breathlessly, before pulling Maya towards her. She kisses her desperately, and Maya responds with the same amount of passion, and this isn’t the tender, comforting kisses they are used to. Riley can feel herself tingling all over, and Maya’s hands are roving all over her, her hair, her breasts, her body. Riley pulls her away from the bay window and towards the bed, and Maya’s tugging at Riley’s pyjama top. A moan escapes Maya’s lips and Riley falls backwards onto the bed with a soft thud, and Maya climbs on top of her, her mouth now trailing kisses down Riley’s neck. It’s Riley’s turn to moan; never has anything felt _this_ good.

Her breath catches in her throat and a sudden wave of guilt and sadness overcomes her and she begins to cry.

Maya stops. “Riles? Riley? Are you okay?”

Riley pushes Maya lightly off her, and sits up, shaking her head. “No,” she sobs, “no, I’m not.”

Maya reaches out to her, but Riley jerks away from her, and doesn’t meet her eye. “Can you please go?” Riley murmurs.

“Riley…”

“We shouldn’t be doing this right now, Maya.” Riley snaps, taking in a shuddering breath, before letting it out as a sob.

Maya gulps. “Okay, just, um, just call me… when you want me to come over. Call me.”

Riley nods, and watches Maya crawl back out the window, before flopping down onto her bed and sobbing until it hurts.

* * *

When Riley wakes up the next morning her first thought is one of confusion, expecting to wake up in Maya’s bed, next to Maya, rather than in her own bed alone. She opens her eyes and reaches out to the space where Maya would be. She shuts her eyes again as she remembers last night. The kissing, the tugging, the feeling. She squeezes her eyes shut tighter as if somehow that might erase the memory. It doesn’t.

She lies in bed for a while, drifting in and out of sleep; she eventually reaches for her phone. There’s a message from Maya  —  two of the emoji hearts with sparkles. She hovers over the keyboard, unsure whether to reply or not. Her heart aches for Maya, in a different way to the ache she’s become accustomed too over these past few weeks. She throws her phone onto the bed beside her without replying after almost five minutes. 

She wants to talk to Maya, she wants to talk to Maya with everything that’s inside her, but she can’t. She can’t after last night.

* * *

Riley’s grandparents and other family come over that day, they bring food and they help clean the house, vacuuming everywhere but Auggie’s room.

Riley tries not to think about Maya, she tries not to think about her dead brother and mother, but all three haunt her mind throughout the entire day. She hates herself for thinking of Maya when she should be thinking of Auggie and Topanga, and she hates feeling she gets when she does think about Auggie and Topanga, like her heart has been torn from her body.

She wants to scream.

* * *

Farkle, Lucas, Zay, and Smackle come over once school has finished, bringing Maya in tow.

Maya desperately texts Riley beforehand, sending her messages asking if it’s okay to come over, because she doesn’t want to say no when Farkle asked her otherwise that would look suspicious.

2:11PM: _riles!!! farkle says he & everyone are going over to urs after school & told me to come! is that ok??? i cant say no bc that wld be weird…_

2:32PM: _riley, pls tell me if its ok bc if its not i’ll make up an excuse_

2:37PM: _i know we left things weird last night, im sorry. i shouldnt have come, i cant even imagine how ur feeling right now, ur right we shouldnt do that now, im sorry, but i want to see u… is that ok???_

2:59PM: _riley, please reply to my messages, im sorry, i really am, i just dont know what to do_

2:59PM: _[sparkly emoji hearts]_

3:01PM: _see u soon i guess [sparkly emoji heart]_

Riley doesn’t reply to a single one, she doesn’t know how.

When they arrive, she hugs each of them, Maya last. It’s awkward and stiff, and all Riley can think of is Maya’s lips on hers, her body pressing against her own, her lips trailing down her neck…

She moves away from Maya quickly, gulping, hoping that no one notices the flush creeping up her neck and cheeks.

The six set up a game of Clue at the coffee table in the living room. They’re their usual players, Maya is Scarlet, Riley is Peacock, Farkle is Plum, Smackle is White, Lucas is Mustard, and Zay is Green. Maya guesses too early and ends up being wrong, as usual, putting her out of the last twenty minutes of the game. Farkle and Smackle both take the game incredibly seriously. Zay doesn’t take it seriously enough, not even hiding his cards, and constantly accidentally saying things out loud such as “Oh, so you _must_ be showing her White!” which makes everybody groan and roll their eyes. Lucas keeps helping everyone too much. Smackle wins, and Scarlet is the murderer (Scarlet is always the murderer, Riley isn’t sure how that works).

Riley likes the feeling of familiarity the game provides her with, and for a moment she almost has fun. 

They stay for dinner that Amy cooked, and leave soon afterwards. Riley can see in Maya’s eyes that she is begging Riley to let her stay as Riley says goodbye, but she can’t.

“I’ll see you soon, Maya,” Riley says, her mouth dry, hugging her quickly.

“See ya, Riles,” Maya says softly, before leaving.

* * *

Riley’s phone pings later that night when she’s in bed watching some Wizard’s of Waverley Place. She doesn’t check it straight away, assuming it’s Maya, but curiosity gets the better of her and she can’t help but reach for it. 

It’s Farkle.

9:42PM: _Hey is everything okay with you and Maya?_

Riley stares at it, and then the … appears and a moment later another text appears.

9:45PM: _Am I allowed to ask that? You don’t have to tell me_

She begins to type.

9:47PM: _Yes, you can ask that_

9:48PM: _Oh cool_

When she doesn’t reply he sends another text.

9:50PM: _So are you going to tell me?_

9:51PM: _What makes you think that Maya and I aren’t okay anyway?_

9:52PM: _You guys were being weird today, you barely spoke to each other_

9:52PM: _Plus I assumed she’d already be at yours or would stay later than the rest of us and she didn’t_

Riley still doesn’t type anything.

9:54PM: Y _ou don’t have to tell me Riley, I get that_

Riley stares at the texts, and finally brings herself to reply.

9:56PM: _No, I want to_

9:57PM: _I should talk about it_

9:57PM: _Can you come over?_

He replies almost immediately.

9:57PM: _Of course [red heart emoji]_

* * *

 Farkle is there within fifteen minutes (the perks of having a personal driver), knocking on her window.

Riley lets him in, and they hug and sit down in the bay window.

“I feel like I haven’t spoken to you properly since, you know…” Farkle trails off awkwardly.

Riley nods solemnly and bites the inside of her cheek, not looking at him.

“And I’m sorry, I should’ve been more there for you.” 

Riley looks up at him, and sees tears glistening in his eyes.

“Oh, no, Farkle,” she hugs him, “you have nothing to be sorry for.”

He smiles sadly and wipes his eyes. “I just… Nothing like this has ever happened to one of us, and I didn’t know… I don’t know.”

Riley laughs softly. “You not knowing something?”

“I loved your mother and brother, Riley,” Farkle says quietly, “they were wonderful people. I didn’t know how to grieve because I felt like I should be comforting you instead of grieving because it’s your grief. They’re your family.”

Riley reaches out for his shoulder and squeezes gently. “You feel what you feel, Farkle. Never hide it from me, okay? They were wonderful people, and that’s why so many people love them and need to grieve and that’s okay. It’s not just my grief.”

They smile, both of them with tears in their eyes, and then they laugh, the invisible wall that had suddenly been between them was gone, and they laugh and laugh and laugh, and it feels good.

“So,” Farkle starts once they’ve finally stopped laughing. “You and Maya?”

Riley looks at him and sighs. “Me and Maya.”

“You and Maya.”

She doesn’t reply, just looks over at him.

“What happened?” he asks carefully.

She looks away and twists her hands in her lap. “We, um, we kissed, at the funeral.” she looks up at him, curious for his reaction.

He smiles ever so slightly. “And that’s bad?”

“Who _kisses_ at a _funeral_?”

He laughs. “Okay,” he says, “did anything happen after that?”

Riley nods, looking away again. “We kissed like every night I stayed at her place after that, it was never like…” she pauses, glancing up at him, “ _you know_ , it was just comforting and warm and…” she sighs, trailing off, “but then last night, she came over, and we were kissing but this time it _was_ , and I kinda freaked out because I shouldn’t be doing those kind of things, Farkle,” her voice breaks and she begins to cry, “Mom and Auggie _died_. They’re _dead_. And I’m _kissing Maya_ like… like _some teenager_ whose parents and siblings are _alive_. It’s _wrong_ and _selfish_.” They stare at each other for a moment, and then she begins to sob and  Farkle pulls her into a hug, holding her while she cries for a long time.

When she stops and pulls away, he holds her face in his hands and looks at her very seriously. “Riley, you’re allowed to keep living okay? You’re allowed to do all the things that teenagers whose parents and siblings haven’t died do. I know they died. But you didn’t. _You’re alive_. Never feel guilty for living.”

Riley smiles and wipes her eyes.

Farkle lets go of her face. “You’re allowed to keep living.”

“But we kissed at their _funeral_.”

“Because she wanted you to know how much she cares, Riley, it’s not like what’s happening between you and Maya is because they died.”

“It’s not?” she whispers, terrified.

Farkle shakes his head and stares at her. “It’s not, and you know it. It’s deeper than that. The two of you… you’re infinite, it was always going to happen.”

She smiles again.

“And if you don’t want it to happen right now, then that’s okay, but talk to Maya, okay? No one will understand more than her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaahhhhh! i hope you liked that and it was worth the wait! like i was saying originally this was gonna be the final chapter and it was gonna end differently (how i'm planning to end chap 5) but i added in the dnm with farkle bc i feel like he and riley and have such a good friendship and i havent really highlighted that in this fic. plus in all my other gmw fics its almost always topanga who helps sort riley through her romantic problems but like that cant happen in this one lmao. anyways, hope you enjoyed and hopefully chap five will be up asap


	5. well i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry it's literally taken me a million years to write this, but here is the final chapter in all its glory! i hope you enoy, thank you for coming on this angsty, grief stricken journey with me xx

Riley spends the next day working up the nerve to call or text Maya. She writes out a million different messages, backspacing everyone of them.

She lies in her bay window, staring up at the ceiling, willing Maya to just appear, like she has on so many occasions.

But she doesn’t.

She doesn’t because Riley told her to go.

Finally, around two in the afternoon, Riley presses the call button; it rings, and her heart races.

“Riley?” Maya answers, her voice filled with hope.

Riley gulps and breathes, her mouth suddenly dry. “Peaches,” she finally murmurs, tears in her eyes.

“I’m so glad you called,” Maya says, “I miss you like crazy.”

Riley nods. “Me too,” she admits.

The line is silent for a moment, the two simply relishing in the sound of the other’s breathing.

“Peaches?” Riley says, breaking the comfortable silence.

“Yeah, Honey?”

“Can you meet me at Central Park? Like now? At our tree?”

Maya nods. “Of course. I’ll see you soon.”

They hang up almost a minute later, though neither of them says another word.

* * *

Maya’s already sitting under their tree when Riley arrives. She walks quietly towards her, stopping before she reaches her, and watching Maya as she sketches the park in the note book Topanga had given her for her birthday.

As if she senses her, Maya looks up and around a moment later, her eyes falling on Riley. Her entire face lights up, and Riley’s can’t help but do the same. They drop what they’re holding and rush at each other, embracing the other so tight that they can feel their hearts beating together.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Maya murmurs, as they break apart, Maya’s hands lingering in Riley’s hair, and Riley’s hands lingering on Maya’s waist.

“Same,” Riley replies, not meeting Maya’s eyes.

“Riley, I’m—“ Maya begins, but Riley interrupts her, retracting her hands from Maya; causing Maya to instinctively do the same.

“No.” Riley shakes her head firmly. “I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just…” her voice becomes suddenly quiet, and she looks away from Maya, her hands twisting nervously. “Can we just pretend that none of it ever happened. My mum, Auggie, us?” she looks back at Maya, who nods, and Riley’s face goes from pained to relieved.

“Of course,” Maya says, “of course we can.”

Riley smiles again, and Maya swears actually sunlight beams from her face. “Thank you, Peaches,” Riley says, hugging her again.

* * *

The next few hours play like a montage out of a romantic comedy — the two best friends who have no idea that they are in love. 

Riley and Maya have a picnic, throwing food at each other to catch in their mouths, and then throwing food at each other just for the fun of it. They laugh so hard that they roll around on the grass. They lie on the grass and stare up at the blue sky painted with clouds, and look for shapes in them. Riley climbs up their tree and lies on one of the branches, and Maya sketches her before joining her. They hold hands and half walk and half skip through the park, and the sun shines down like it was made specifically for them.

The sun is setting and the sky is a pale pink by the time they get back to Riley’s apartment. The sunshine bubble they’ve been trapped in all day begins to slowly deflate as they enter. The apartment remains a sore reminder of where Auggie and Topanga truly are, and what Riley’s life truly is.

She tries not to let that change anything, and she holds Maya’s hand tightly, willing the bubble not to deflate.

* * *

Maya stays for dinner, and Cory makes them spaghetti bolognese. They talk animatedly, and it doesn’t feel like something out of a movie, and doesn’t feel false — as if they’re trying to ignore the empty spaces where Auggie and Topanga should be — it feels almost normal, for the first time since it had all happened.

Maybe her dad was right, Riley thinks, maybe it will get easier. It won’t get better, but somehow it’ll get easier to live with her grief, after all, grief is just the love that is left over when someone dies.

* * *

Riley and Maya sit in the bay window silently, simply enjoying the presence of one another.

“Thank you, Riley,” Maya says out of the blue.

Riley turns to look at her. “For what?”

Maya shrugs. “For today.”

Unable to put everything she is feeling into words — how much she loves Maya, how much she loves her mother and brother, how she thinks she can only learn to live with this grief if Maya is there to support her — Riley kisses her with the same desperation as the other night. Maya kisses her back with same passion, and the two let the overwhelming feeling of each other take over. All that matters in that moment is _them_ , and they’re _alive_ , and that ins’t something feel guilty over, it’s something beautiful, and Riley kisses Maya with the entire world, and Maya kisses her back with the entire sun.

* * *

When Maya wakes the next morning, the bed is empty. She sits up for a moment, confused, before she spots Riley sitting outside on the fire escape, a blanket over her shoulders and a mug of hot cocoa in her hands. It’s barely light outside yet, and Maya checks the time — just seven in the morning. 

Quietly, she gets out of bed and climbs out of the bay window to sit next to Riley on the fire escape. Riley tears her eyes away from the rising sun to look at Maya, and smiles gently. “Good morning,” she says softly, pressing a kiss to Maya’s lips. She tastes like chocolate and Maya smiles. “‘Morning, Riles,” she says.

“I made you some hot cocoa too,” Riley tells her, motioning to another mug sitting in front of her. Maya takes it gratefully. “Thanks,” she murmurs, sipping it — it tastes like Riley.

Riley doesn’t reply, her eyes back on the now orange streaked sky. “It’s beautiful,” she murmurs absentmindedly, bring her mug of hot cocoa to her lips and drinking, so that she has the smallest of milk moustaches.

Maya looks at Riley in wonder, and smiles softly. “Yeah, yeah it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment all your thoughts! title and chapter titles are from the song orange sky by alex murdoch if youre interested! once again, thank you for reading :))


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